update kinda

I said kinda because I have a million things I want to post
and I dont have time right now.
Why? Because now that Ginger, my doll and foot grabber and
Baby Einstein Obsesser. I know- not a word-whatever.
Anyway now that this dollface has entered my life, it seems like
there are only 10 hours in a day.
No, I lie, 12 hours of sleep and then 2-3 hours to get stuff done.
Stuff including; changing diapers, and listening to hours of the most annoying
music on tv EVER, freaking Baby Einstein.
Cant live with it, cant live with out it.

Remember when I said I was going to make a blog about being a new mom?
And I asked for names and whatever.
Well...not going to happen. Which if you knew me- you could have predicted
that. I always talk about these grand ideas and then...nothing.

So now I am trying to redesign our blog.
It has a new name, Im not telling though.
You'll have to see for yourself when/if it ever gets done.
The thing is Im doing it myself.
As much as I want to enlist the ever so talented Amber
who could bust this blog makeover in an hour,
I am determined to do it.

Okay...going to CA tomorrow for a couple days for some R&R
if G is not sick, which she has been so Im crossing my fingers.
Lauren do you see this?

G is teething. So fun.
Also smiling and she loves my singing...crazy.
Eating oatmeal, sorta. Her bib eats more.
Finally getting bigger.

Case is working HARD, and it sucks in the heat.
Love him for that.
A skate ramp (a large thing thats called a mini ramp)
has been put in the backyard behind the pool and
not to get to personal but seeing him Skate- kinda a turn on.

I am going to make an appointment with a doctor tomorrow
because I have issues that seem out of my hands.
I weigh as much as an Olsen twin (no offense to them-I am obsessed with MK)
and its getting worse.
I look like a boy. ugh.
Also I have a new job that I may or may not stay at.
Bad energy the first day- not my style.

And we found a house we love and I cannot wait to decorate.
And headed again to my aunts birthday party in CA, this weekend.
Trust me- it will be bananas, my dads side of the family-
oh the parties they have!

Thats it for now but I promise a super dope blog makeover and
a super dope post coming soon.

just a taste

Im SO far behind on blogging...
our fabulous memorial day 4 day party,
our lovely staycaytion, our anniversary,
and our 4th of July chill vacay and just life.
PS I also spent a week with a bestie Amber
but we didnt take pictures...why? who the freak knows...
it was a lazy week, just what we wanted.

So heres a little picture, I will catch up. I think.



Ahhhhh I love it, a porch, a swing, and a daddy/daughter nap.

Crazy

Crazy.
and no Im not talking about myself.

Michael Jackson.
First I'll say this...I have a serious love of Michael and know he was the best in the
music industry by far.
I dont have time to post the post I really want to.
So that will come later.

So I leave you with this video... the best performance I've ever seen.



PS... thanks to Adam who twittered this link.
And I dedicate this to Corynn who was the only person I knew who loved him as much as I did.

Lid Down

Ginger was ready for bed but I couldn't stop looking at her.
So I played with her for about 25 minutes and then put her in her crib.
She cried, which is normal. But she always falls asleep within 2 minutes.
I dont know what it was.
All I know is that I needed her.
I went in the bathroom and rocked her to sleep while singing every song I
could think of.
Including Rolling Stones- Wild Horses.
And - A Child's Prayer- about 10 times because that's the only primary song
I remember.
And she fell asleep in my arms as I rocked her sitting on the toilet.
lid down (in case you're interested).
And I wanted to sing and rock and cuddle for five more hours.
But I put her down, asleep, shut the door and thought.
I'm a rocker!
I may not be able to pace back and forth for longer than 5 minutes
without feeling like I'm going nuts
but for what it counts I can sing my daughter to sleep.
I felt like a mom. a mom who knows what she's doing.

A letter to my 3 month old dollface

Dear Ginger,

You're 3 months old today! 3. Months. Old. You are so much a part of me, the fact that it's only been three months is beyond comprehension. I don't know where to start. I just know that if I don't tell you how these three months have been, I'll forget and later when you do something that warrants a lecture- I want us both to remember what we went through together. So I can use it against you. No I don't mean that. Yes, I do. But before I begin, let me say this, you are a good baby. Thank goodness.

The first two weeks were incredible. Which I hear is an anomaly. I was in absolute Heaven; I have never been happier and don't know if I'll reach that point again. It was mostly because you were so sweet and angelic and I think someone slipped something into the gallons of diet coke I was drinking. Where is that someone now? By the way, I switched to caffeine free diet coke in hopes that you'd sleep better. You're welcome. Those two weeks I was so possessive of you. Your dad would want to hold you and I would begrudgingly hand you over and look at him like I was doing him a favor. I remember once being at Grammy's house (which by the way if we are around Grammy and Popi and your aunties- I don't see you for hours because you are being passed around and obsessed over). Now, that warms my heart, but at the time I remember having a full on anxiety attack. I wanted you in my arms so bad I literally was struggling to breathe. Your Dad was sitting next to me talking me through it. When we left, I cried and I could see the utter confusion in Daddy's eyes. But it was just so overwhelming. You were mine. I pushed you out of me. My blood was yours, same DNA blueprint, my boobs were your sole source of nourishment, you were alive because of me.

Then literally at the two week mark, the lack of sleep, the constant "giving of myself", the new emotions that were introduced the moment you looked into my eyes; all caught up with me. I was a walking zombie, unable to put my clothes on correctly (there were many a time I almost walked out the door with my shirt inside out), unable to form complete sentences or find the right words. For instance exterminator became terminator, wipes became "those wet things". I could go on and on with my verbal idiocy. You were waking up every few hours to be fed. And I never napped during the day, so the sleep deprivation, oh the deprivation! It makes you crazy. One night you woke up at 1 and didn't go back to sleep until 5. That was the night I punched your father in the back. He had a daddy slip up. I don't want to mislead you, although by the time you can read this you will already know- he is incredible and I am quite sure you will be a daddy's girl and adore him more than life.

Then at six weeks, we did what I thought I would never do. I switched you to formula and I did the thing I judged other parents for; we put your cradle in the bathroom, turned off the light and shut the door. And you know what, you slept all night long. All. Night. Long. You are quite the sleeper still; you sleep 12 hours a night and take 3 hour naps. What a gift. I am convinced Heavenly Father is aware of my emotional limitations and so he sent me a baby that loves sleep as much as I do.

And yet, still, motherhood is hard. Hard in a way that I could have never imagined. Sometimes I pace back and forth and you still cry and cry so I put you in your swing and shut the door. And then I cry. I cry and convince myself Im a terrible mother. Then I call Casey and he tries to convince me Im not a bad mom, I am a great mom. Then I call my mom, who attempts to do the same thing. And then I pray. I just wonder why my pacing is so limited before I break, I know moms that pace all day long and rock all night long, but I cant do it. But your Nana, I don't know what or how she does it but she can calm you down in seconds. At first it broke my heart that I couldn't do that for you, now I happily hand you over. So you definitely have your moments and I can attest your lungs are strong. But it always seems when I need it the most I see your angelic face and you smile that smile of yours that melts my heart and life is beautiful again. A Beautiful Mess.

You are cooing now and are so expressive, we ask you how your day was or how you slept and you try with all your might to have a conversation with us and we LOVE it! And your legs and arms they are so long and strong and they flail like crazy. One time you knocked me in the nose and I gently explained to you how much my nose cost and you haven't done it since. I am convinced you'll be an athlete. And I cant forget the stretching, we laugh every time, you stretch with everything you have. And when I kiss your delicious feet you curl your long toes around my top lip- which by the time your sixteen and reading this you'll probably think that's weird but I love it. You have been spending a lot of time with Grammy, I have never seen her so in love, She loves your feet too, Sometimes so much I think she'll eat you.

I hope you have your daddy's sweet disposition. I hope you are loving and kind and smart and strong . I hope so much for you but I'll save that for another letter.

For now, Ill just say this; my life will never be the same since you have entered into it. And I wouldn't ever want it to. And to quote Heather Armstrong, " By choosing to bring you into our family I have made an irreversible commitment, and the joy of the love I feel for you is as meaningful as it is because the loss of it would break my body in two." I love you Ginger more than I can even comprehend.

Love,

Mama

Thanks to Corrine for taking the picture and for course for my love Amber who worked her magic on the announcement.

the truth hurts

A well known fact about me in my close circle of friends
as well as some acquaintances
since I am pretty much an open book...
is that I get to live with this awesome thing called
depression and anxiety.

It comes and visits randomly without notice or thought
and I am stuck with dealing with this un-welcomed guest
who overstays his welcome and comes too often.

The worst part of it is (well it all sucks) but a tough part of it is
that people who have never been through it have a hard time understanding or empathizing
with the whole situation.
You hear things like its all in your head or just make up your mind to be happy
and things like that.

Right now its a hole in my stomach that wont go away.
Its going to bed afraid of the next day.
Its making simple things like leaving the house seem like the hardest thing in the world.
Its having your dog come and cuddle with you because he sees you crying.
Its begging your husband to not go work on his car because you dont want to be alone with
your thoughts.
Its the alter ego (that happy go lucky person) that I have to pull out of me during social time.
and what makes it a million times worst is that poor Ginger is exposed to this
and so the pressure to recuperate multiplies and the anxiety rises.
Because I swear I do not want to be that mom.
Where it's like, "Ugh mom's crying again."

Quite honestly, Im not looking for pity by writing this,
or advice- like just make sure you leave the house everyday
Believe me, I've studied all things to do with the disease.
And I've tried 90% of the suggestions.
I just had to say it to someone.
Even if its my close friends that follow this
or that complete stranger in Australia who reads my blog.
So to all you that have never suffered depression, I envy you,
But if you can relate in any way, my sincere apologies.

Out of the wreck, I will rise.

Blessing

May 3rd we had Ginger blessed.
It was wonderful,
Except for the little boy who holds the microphone
didn't hold it high enough
so I was straining to hear what Casey was saying.
But he took notes the night before so I was able to see what he said.
But Casey did a great job nonetheless.
Not to mention it will be pretty cool for G to see the notes from her blessing.

Here are some pictures of our family.
Im so happy for Ginger to be surrounded with tons of love and family and friends.
I cant wait to see what the years bring us.
But can we skip the teenage years, please?






I love this picture. Ginger would not cooperate for the life of her.
She was pissed, therefore I was pissed.
Casey wanted me to stand in the middle of this wall so he could set up the timer and get the measurements right or whatever.
Please do not be jealous of my modeling skills, the face, the posture, the pissiness.
Maybe I shouldn't use that word since were talking about blessings and such.
But to thine own self be true.
And mine own self needs a little work.










And just like that... Im happy again. magic.

Were so grateful for Grandma and Grandpa Randall to come from Idaho and to Aaron and sweet pregnant Lindzi to drive from Salt Lake just for this, it means so much.
And also very grateful for Marsha for driving from California just for this, wish we got a picture.
And for all our family for being there.
So this accounts for all the pictures Im sharing, just to show our love to all our loved ones.

Overall I cant complain. It was a beautiful blessing which is all I can ask for
for my doll Ginger.

Ginger's first vacation

Last minute- a couple weeks ago- we decided to go visit Johnny and Marsha in California.
Good thing it was last minute
otherwise I would have thought of a million
different reasons why I shouldnt take my two month old on a road trip.
Possible meltdown in the car which would result in my very certain meltdown,
which would result in my husband hailing a cab home.
Possible blowout, bad sleep habits, non stop crying.
The list is endless.

I had a talk with Ginger prior to our visit because the truth is I really want Marsha
to get pregnant.
It went like this,
" Look Ginger, I really want to go through the joys and crap of motherhood with Marsha.
I have carried you for nine sucky months (lets be honest) gave up my pre-mama body and have gone through 2 months of
of every emotion you can imagine. I even gave up crack cocaine for you, Please sweet Ginger, just this one little favor, be a doll,
a perfect angel."
Not too much to ask your two month old baby.
I hope by now, I dont have to say Im kidding about that crack cocaine but just in case.
I asked her to be on her best behavior as to not convince Johnny that waiting 6
years for another baby is a wise choice.

I have to say, overall, I was impressed.
She still slept through the night.
But you can tell she was aware she was out of her element.
She still fussed a bit and I did spend most of the car ride in the back seat but nothing major.
Point is,
I'm sure after we left Johnny didnt run to Marsha and beg her to make a baby
but I dont think it was any more detrimental to his current
way of practical thinking. After school.

Im such a clueless mom in many areas.
Dont worry I cut myself slack, all you moms have been there.
And if you dont think you have, I have to believe you are either delusional or
one of those people...you know the type I'm talking about.

So anyway on to me being clueless,
I brought 40 diapers for two days.
I brought her swimsuit and had visions of her playing in the sand.
Im not embarrassed about the diapers
but seriously a two month old- who cant even hold her head up- playing in the sand.
I know, Im an idiot.

Instead she did this:

Luckily we had Aunt Marsha (who definitely has mama skills)
held her for a couple hours.
Yes, thats what I said... a couple hours. That's love.

But we still had time to layout...

I wish we could just up and move there.
Instead we just invade Johnny and Marsha's about once a month.
Maybe one day...

Three way kiss

This is what it's like when Casey comes home from work
and tries to give me a kiss hello...

Mary Tyler Mom

I decided to go with MaryTylerMom.com
which is funny because no one voted for that name.

But I did it for good reasons.
I really really wanted VivaLaBaby! Because its fun,
and I grew up in Vegas and it makes me think of Viva Las Vegas.

But...
Mary Tyler Mom was the only one that had both the blog name available
and a domain name available.
Plus Mary Tyler Moore (Moore my maiden name incidentally)
always made me smile when I watched her on Nick at Night.
And oddly enough there's a extremely special connection
to the Mary Tyler Moore show. So special I cannot tell.

So even though she wasn't a mom on the show... its still catchy.
Im hoping to have it up by the end of May. So for all you mamas,
future mama's, baby daddy's and everyone with mamas
(so pretty much the whole world)
I hope you check it out when it's up and running.