Sunday, December 30, 2012

The Host of the Air

I'm pretty much obsessed with this poem.
As you read it, I urge you to follow the advice
of Scott Raab, I was excited to see he wrote an article in Esquire Magazine
about it, He Says,

 "Google the poem. Print it out. Read it -- aloud and slow -- then write it down for yourself. Sweet Jesus, don't ponder the goddamn thing -- let it in. Make it a part of you

by: William Butler Yeats (1865-1939)
'DRISCOLL drove with a song
The wild duck and the drake
From the tall and the tufted reeds
Of the drear Hart Lake.

And he saw how the reeds grew dark
At the coming of night-tide,
And dreamed of the long dim hair
Of Bridget his bride.

He heard while he sang and dreamed
A piper piping away,
And never was piping so sad,
And never was piping so gay.

And he saw young men and young girls
Who danced on a level place,
And Bridget his bride among them,
With a sad and a gay face.

The dancers crowded about him
And many a sweet thing said,
And a young man brought him red wine
And a young girl white bread.

But Bridget drew him by the sleeve
Away from the merry bands,
To old men playing at cards
With a twinkling of ancient hands.

The bread and the wine had a doom,
For these were the host of the air;
He sat and played in a dream
Of her long dim hair.

He played with the merry old men
And thought not of evil chance,
Until one bore Bridget his bride
Away from the merry dance.

He bore her away in his arms,
The handsomest young man there,
And his neck and his breast and his arms
Were drowned in her long dim hair.

O'Driscoll scattered the cards
And out of his dream awoke:
Old men and young men and young girls
Were gone like a drifting smoke;

But he heard high up in the air
A piper piping away,
And never was piping so sad,
And never was piping so gay.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

In Memory of Dr. Ralph Conti

Thinking of Dr. Ralph Conti and what a wonderful man and doctor he was. 
He was my children's pediatrician 
He passed away yesterday. 

I dont have the words to express my gratitude and respect and love for this man. 
But I feel compelled to try in a humble attempt to honor him and his life. 
He will be dearly missed. 
I remember the time he walked in and saw me, 
totally overwhelmed and sleep deprived 
and most likely in a state of shock 
over the day to day challenge of having two kids under 2
one a newborn. 
He sat down and looked me in the eyes and said, 

"it's okay to feel this way, you're doing a great job 
and you're going to keep doing a great job."

"But he won't sleep and Im so tired. 
Every night, my anxiety is out of control. 
I am afraid because I know it will be another 
sleepless night and I dont know how many more I can take." I protested in tears. 

"Here's what you do..." he replied,
he then took a sharpie marker 
wrote down specific instructions on that butcher type paper that covers the chairs. 
He tore it off and handed it to me. 
How to feed him, when to feed him, how to help him calm down, 
This wasnt my first time as a mom, but it sure felt like it.
That piece of paper was a gift. 
I felt like I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.
He then reaffirmed me as a mother before he proceeded to examine Oliver.

Upon examining Oliver he discovered a heart murmur, 
one if those things that is not likely a big deal,
but coupled with Oliver's RSV,
it was important to get him in to a cardiologist. 
Dr. Conti explained everything to me, 
not sugar coating but not exaggerating. 
He told me the level of concern he would have if it was his own son, 
which put it in perspective for me. 
He let me ask as many questions without rushing me 
or treating me like a neurotic mother. 
And then called a cardiologist and arranged for me to go directly there 
so I didn't have to wait and worry. 
(It turned out to be a heart valve that wasn't completely closed yet 
but would be in time and all would be fine.)

I felt like a relative to Dr. Conti.
I felt as if he showed my children and I extra attention because we were family.
But that is how he treated all of his patients and parents of patients. 
His compassion and patience had no bounds. 
He calmed my fears as a mother 
and I trusted him with my children, Oliver and Ginger, 
my greatest treasures in life. 
I believe every mom out there can understand the magnitude of such a gift. 

What a wonderful man. 
RIP Dr. Ralph Conti

“Carve your name on hearts, not tombstones. A legacy is etched into the minds of others and the stories they share about you.” 
― Shannon L. Alder

Saturday, July 14, 2012

What is This Thing Called Death...

What is this thing called death
This quiet passing in the night?
Tis not the end but genesis
of better worlds and greater light.
O God, touch Thou my aching heart
And calm my troubled, haunting fears.
Let hope and faith, transcendent, pure,
Give strength and peace beyond my tears.
There is no death, but only change,
With recompense for vict’ry won.
The gift of Him who loved all men,
The Son of God, the Holy One.

Gordon B. Hinkley

In Memory of 
Andrea Hastings Lemmon
John Ray
Vicki Harvey
and Annell Kellogg

Thursday, March 8, 2012

I Love Michael Jackson, Judge if you'd like.

Micheal Jackson's genius never ceases to amaze me. 

Friday, February 17, 2012


where.  in my bed
eating.  sausalitos
feeling.  angry, guilty for the anger, and oddly inspired
thinking.  I shouldnt eat cookies in bed. I hate crumbs.
listening to.   Ryan fontana // Sweetest Girl and Ride Wit Me mashup
confession.   I know all the lyrics to Nelly's Country Grammer album.
memory.   2001, in Nikki's neon with my best friends, headed to soccer practice and singing along to Nelly.
best part of the day.  coming home from the bookstore, throwing my keys on the counter, feeling exhausted and Ginger sighs heavily, I turn and look at her, she has half moon eyes and a sweet smile. I smile back. She says "today was fun."
tempted to.   go get my babes out of their beds and bring them to mine, so we can snuggle. but I wont.
time right now.   1:58 am. crap.
Currently reading.   Understanding Exposure by Bryan Peterson and The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin
Tomorrow I will.   edit, organize, throw away stuff, blood work, run an errand Ive been putting off, build a lego castle with Ginger and blow whistles with Oliver. 

Loving these three links...

From march 2010 until february 2011 Mikko Kuorinki formed one new text on the wall of Kiasma museum every week.
Pretty rad. Entire Collection Here.

But seriously this collection of photos kills me. dead. deader then dead. self described as A trio collective from Soweto, portraying South Africa as they see it.
I see a different you is perfection.

Newtown Johannesburg
South Africa

South Africa

Kilptown, Soweto
South Africa.


I think I found both sites via Miss Moss

nighty night.

Sunday, January 22, 2012


“and reinvent your life because you must;
it is your life and
its history
and the present
belong only to

- Charles Bukowski (via atomiclanterns)

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

hello new year

first off. my keyboard is all kinds of messed up,
so grammar mistakes are inevitable.
just in case that stuff bugs you.

Here's all the amazing things that happened in 2011.

and there you go.

But check it out. 
Casey and I, hanging out on new years,
and he only told me I was annoying once.
and I only thought he was a pain in the arse twice.


second. I started this post 3 days ago.
third. you guys, im so irritated right now. 
My photoshop just up and quit in the middle of a picture i was editing
and i happen to be feeling highly ocd, so I dont even want to tell you the time I lost,
I know, I know. Save as I go. Im a ruhtard.
I dont say the f word, but let me tell you... My head says it. a lot.
right now its on repeat. im going to stop counting now, dumb idea.
you wouldnt believe all the different levels of dramz going on right now.
Its so bananas, I dont even know where to start.
My dad was just recently commenting on our vida loca, 
and he says in regards to a decision he and my mom made...
"We just gotta stay committed... before one of us gets committed."

I have so much frustration going on right now. 
I mean, things sucked and then the Suck Fairy came and then vomitted suck on
the pre-existing suckiness and  Im like what the fuuuuuh?

Meanwhile my brother's in town and is fresh off of some sort of vision on a mountaintop.

No, really...he's riding this spiritual wavelength I cant even comprehend...
But he's got me all figured out.
something about my vibrations being off.and my heart needs to be in my head and 
well basically, not be so consumed in everyone else's webs of woe and focus on my own journey.
So he's all zen (except  when it comes to my laptop being an ahole- when he's on it, then he 
looks  close to punching it.)
Last night we were talking about walking on eggshells around certain people or at certain times...
and how its really freaking annoying,
and he's all, "ya, but you gotta respect the eggshells"
respect the eggshells? what the? I think id rather run them over with a bull dozer
and then set them on fire.
My mom says, "ya, but what about the chicken?"
And my brother gave her that half courtesy smile.
(That chicken question seems ten times funnier today as I write it.)
And I added some small retort.
which he almost responded to; had my eggshells not gotten in the way.

Back to me not getting so involved in others crap, when Ive got my own.
He's right, I have to let that go.
For crying out loud, I went to a year of therapy for this very thing,
And made great strides towards sanity.
But Im so programmed to try to come to the rescue.
It's not my fault.
My mom named me Alexis.
literal translation: defender.
I'm screwed. I wonder what name stands for "I dont give a crap", that's 
what I'd like to be called. 
It'd be awesome if I really did help fix things,
but I inevitably make it worst.

You know what i'd really like to do? I just want to go ape-shiz. Like, scream and cry and tell everyone how

I really feel; good and bad. I want to throw stuff. Like a windex bottle.
*first thing I ever threw at Casey*
**and we wonder why were having problems**
***BUT let it be known, Im like three years clean when it comes to throwing crap out of anger***
Do I get a pin or chip for that? 
Speaking of AA... 
I'd also like to find an inconvenient vice to get addicted so I can just stop feeling. stop caring.
and then go to sleep for a week.
But freak, I've got almost 29 years of life lived (yikes),
and I know better. 
Which means,
The more I try to handle this with integrity, the better.
 I understand there's no easy fix.  Its going to take a lot of work to put
back together all the pieces that fell apart.

really the biggest thing keeping me going...
are these two.



In fact with them around, theres no other option but to keep on keepin on.
I dont want to just survive this,
I want to come out of this kickin butt in life.
I want to be the dopest phoenix they ever saw.
So if ever they find themselves in a similar place of trials and pain,
I can be an example of the goodness that comes from rising above it all.

Aside from my phoenixish aspirations,
I'm really loving photography these days.
Im working on a 20 interesting people project.
I just take ten shots in fifteen minutes.
and try to capture something real.

This is Patrick. We met up in front of Wendys.
I was buying a lens from him via craigslist.
He was such a nice guy.  
And, man he looked like he had the kind of life that
brings me back to reality.
Like he had a million stories to tell.
I was all, Do you mind if I take some pictures of you?
He was smoking a cigarette and was like "ME?" and kinda chuckled.
He kindly obliged, even if he thought it was random.
And we sat on the curb and started chattin away.
and the whole experience was 
well, it was pretty awesome.
Just that human connection.
With an unlikely person.
It kind of changed me.
Made me slow down. reminded me of the importance of how we interact with others.


Shout out to Craigslist Patrick. sending you good vibes.

Ill sign off with a "Bon courage" and dedicate this post to "this is"... whoever you are.