Wednesday, November 30, 2011

The hard Post

This is the part where I tell you.

[dont read this, sing it in your head, tune: theme to the Fresh Prince]

Now this is a story all about how
My life got flipped-turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there
And tell you Casey and I have been separated for 6 months.

like ripping off a band-aid.

You know, our parents generation never had to wonder about when, how or if they'd
announce something like this via facebook/blog/twitter etc.

I just felt like I should put it out there because
this blog has always been a place where I can share/document my life.
and my life is not what it was.
And my writing just started to feel inauthentic.
What's another way of saying "crap or get off the pot"?
because i want to use a prettier version of that phrase.
But really, all my vague posts about being stressed and overwhelmed
were starting to annoy me.
so I thought, either, stop doing personal posts or just get it out there.

So there you have it.

here are a few things I'll share:

...okay wait, deep breath...
still breathing.

these are just random pieces of information.
things I feel I can share.

I love Casey.
first and foremost, I love him and I want his happiness.
I dont know how the hell I ended up here.
Last night, we wanted to work things out.
tonight, I feel like a series of miracles need to occur for us to have a chance. 
two weeks ago, We were going to get a divorce.
Weve gone back and forth a few times.
In the past six months... I have not had one single day that felt normal.
the kids and I are living with my parents and have been since May.
Casey lives in  Pahrump. 
I would do anything to have a redo at this marriage.
But to sum it up.
Its awful. just so incredibly awful. I dont know how else to put it.

So thats that. 
I probably should have written a more eloquent post.
But this territory is so unfamiliar.

So I ask for prayers on behalf of my family.


Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Thursday, November 10, 2011


Get it?



Things havent been easy lately.
Im under a stupid amount of stress.
It's starting to affect me more then I'd like to admit.
I'm super low on patience.
I'm sensitive.
And I hate to admit this.
Ugh. Er.
Sometimes Im just plain mean.
Which makes me want to cry just thinking of it.
Again, Im sensitive.
But I really dont want to be that "girl", and I certainly dont want to be that wife, mom, daughter, sister etc.
Im trying though. Lord knows I am.

Remember the first time you were pregnant?
Because I am assuming anyone reading this is female and has two or more kids?
Rephrase; The first time I was pregnant, I thought everyone in the world should
Jump up and down with joy, and give me sympathy... lots of sympathy, and pretty much treat me
like I was Royalty.
I mean, I. Was. Growing. A. Child. Inside. Of. Me.
I wanted strangers to high five me as we crossed paths and say something like,
" You Go Girl! Way to be a vessel for a soul. A soul that may be the next President of the United States,
You are terrific! , May I get you anything? Boba tea, perhaps? A Margherita Pizza, Sausalito cookies??
And Id be all, oh you are so kind to offer... yes. All of the above please, Oh and tums too please"
But life just went on as usual.

I feel a similar way when you are going through a difficult time in your life.
Like I am the only one who should be jaded from life.

Everyone one else should put on the kid gloves and handle me.
But make sure they are the "invisible kid gloves" so I dont feel pathetic.

A few days ago someone pointed out "I wasnt the only person in the world who was stressed."
And I was all, "SayWhaaaaaaaaaat?"
and then I put them on my Crap  Gratitude list.
Because Now I know... Im not the only one. This whole time I thought the guests on Dr. Phil and Suze Orman
were actors acting like they had problems.
Im such an idiot.
Well even if there are other "stressed outters" out there
I still want special treatment. I still want high fives in the street... "you go girl! You washed your hair... AND blow dried it?!"
"You kept your cool when your toddler, cried, whined and begged for three hours straight because she "wanted a barn" (true story}, heres a gift certificate for a massage. 

Random praise a some more slack- It would just make these life events easier.

Anyway, this particular day was rough for Ginger and I.
She has been...
how should I put this? 
Hellacious. Let's just be honest.

I love her.
But freak, somedays...

So her terrible twoness and my lack of patience is not a good combination.
Its not always bad. Somedays are amazing with her. Sometimes all she needs is a timeout.
Sometimes all I need is a timeout.

Anyway that evening she wasnt going to sleep.
And I was so exhausted from trying to come up with effective parenting solutions.
So at midnight, I surrendered and looked at her and said, "Do you want some pumpkin pie?"
Her smile and halfmoon eyes said it all. 
So the two of us, in our jammies, hopped down the stairs holding hands.
I grabbed a fork and we sat ourselves on the counter and ate us some pie.

Followed by some good ol shut eye.

Abd you know what, Ginger totally high fived me!


Smiles, Light, and Movement

Because I excelled at the other one.
I decided another photography challenge was in order.
After all, last time-
I think I made it up to day 7... pretty awesome.

But this one is different.
Its a gratitude photo challenge.
I love when I see other peoples gratitude posts on FB
or their blog or whatever.
It reminds me to count my blessings.
They say being grateful is one the most tried and true ways 
to be happy. 

In that case...


I think its working already you guys.

So heres the challenge:


And here are my rules.
Did you know you could make your own?
You can. In the immortal words of my brother 
(and Im sure many other brothers)
"It's a free country".
When we were kids
He used to put his foot like 2 mm from my face.
So annoying. 
And I'd be all, "Move your foot you frickin tard!"
And then he'd be like, " Its a free country".

Im pretty sure Thomas Jefferson and all his delegates, were sittin around in
Independence Hall and He was all, "You guys... We have got to get this on paper! 
We need some sort of universally accepted document that ensures my rights as a human being,
Like if I wanna put my foot in JMad's face, then he cant just shoot me because its obnoxious.
What do you think of the term "Free Country?" The wigged men are like, hmm good idea... meanwhile
James Madison is rolling his eyes in the background but agrees because hes got plans of his own to annoy the hell out of Jefferson later.

What were we talking about?

Oh right, Im changing the rules.
Y'all... I AM GRATEFUL to make my own rules considering photo challenges
discovered on pinterest. 

Anyway. I have the photography fire burning in my soul, coating my bones, circulating
my low blood count.
Yes. Its that serious.
I also want a creative way to express what I am grateful for.
So this is perfect.

Okay. the gratitude challenge rules. drumroll please.
(Im so sure youre doing a drumroll in your pjs right now)
And I AM GRATEFUL. for your fingers drumming or the sound you are making in your head.

HEAR THAT HAPPY  FAIRIES?? Another statement of gratitude.

Rule 1. I can do day 22 on day 6 if I want to. 
Its my challenge, I can do it non-sequentially if I want to.
Rule 2. Feel the spirit of the challenge... if I see something I am grateful for. 
Bust out the Canon or iphone- its a free country.
Rule 3. Have fun. If it feels like a pain in the butt. Dont bother at the moment.
Rule 4. Post when you can what you can.
Rule 5. any rules may be broken or altered at any time.

WHEW. Now this is my kind of challenge.
You know what... while im on this "Im an adult &  "can change the rules" kick.
Let's lose the word challenge.
Actually, let's just give it a better name...

From hereon forth it shall be called the 
"Unspecified Number of Days of Public Acknowledgement of Gratitude. A Super Fun Photo Project That I Can Do if it Brings Me Joy."

Okay, here are some Grateful Pictures.



Be still my heart. His smile does some sort of magic on me. 


seana and char beach oct 11

Oh Sunshine... on the beach...a bestie Miss Seana...drinking in the rays while her babe Miss Charlotte...sleeps peacefully. 
Que Sheryl Crow...  I, Im gonna soak up the sun. Im gonna tell everyone to lighten up.
I Am SO GRATEFUL for the Light of the Sun and the Light of Good Friends.



Oh where to begin. This is me and my brother James. I just met him. Isnt that crazy?
Here we are... ballet on the beach- no biggie. 
James, his girlfriend- Jesse, my brother Ray and I played on the beach for hours.
Jesse had never seen the ocean- which blew my mind. So I was all, get in my car! were going on a road trip!

We went straight here and spent four hours on that beach.
And you know what? I can truly say these were with the exception of my wedding day and the births of my children...
they were the best hours of my life. 
You cant tell from this photo but James is quiet, reserved, serious. He is kind. So kind. With a smart sense of humor that is more for him than anyone else... like its not on display.
And he tries hard not to laugh. Like when I say to Ginger... Dont you dare smile...! and the corners of her cheeks start to move up and she cant decide whether or not to give in or fight it.
So James gets this smirk and its all I can do to not start treating him like my toddler and tickle him until he laughs.
Which would be weird. To be a 22 with an older sister you just met 48 hours prior 
start to tickle you. 
 The way all of  us were that day, free, peaceful but full of life... It was God Given. 
Its so difficult to explain but I know that to be true. After this day we all had a pretty rough time dealing with all the extras that come along. I havent talked to James... not intentionally... And Ray and I had a bit of a falling out, that broke my heart. 

But... We'll always have paris.

Better yet, Well always have Zuma Beach.

I Am SO GRATEFUL for My BROTHER JAMES who Was Willing to dance with me and My BROTHER RAY who I had never seen giggle and Smile so much in all my life. I AM Most definitely GRATEFUL for the way we put aside all the confusion of the past and ALLOWED OURSELVES TO BE FREE.
Free to dance, Free to look dumb. Free to be silly. 

There you go friends... words, pictures and things you didnt know about me.