Sunday, May 31, 2009

the truth hurts

A well known fact about me in my close circle of friends
as well as some acquaintances
since I am pretty much an open book...
is that I get to live with this awesome thing called
depression and anxiety.

It comes and visits randomly without notice or thought
and I am stuck with dealing with this un-welcomed guest
who overstays his welcome and comes too often.

The worst part of it is (well it all sucks) but a tough part of it is
that people who have never been through it have a hard time understanding or empathizing
with the whole situation.
You hear things like its all in your head or just make up your mind to be happy
and things like that.

Right now its a hole in my stomach that wont go away.
Its going to bed afraid of the next day.
Its making simple things like leaving the house seem like the hardest thing in the world.
Its having your dog come and cuddle with you because he sees you crying.
Its begging your husband to not go work on his car because you dont want to be alone with
your thoughts.
Its the alter ego (that happy go lucky person) that I have to pull out of me during social time.
and what makes it a million times worst is that poor Ginger is exposed to this
and so the pressure to recuperate multiplies and the anxiety rises.
Because I swear I do not want to be that mom.
Where it's like, "Ugh mom's crying again."

Quite honestly, Im not looking for pity by writing this,
or advice- like just make sure you leave the house everyday
Believe me, I've studied all things to do with the disease.
And I've tried 90% of the suggestions.
I just had to say it to someone.
Even if its my close friends that follow this
or that complete stranger in Australia who reads my blog.
So to all you that have never suffered depression, I envy you,
But if you can relate in any way, my sincere apologies.

Out of the wreck, I will rise.


The Bells said...

I think the world of you. Not a day goes by that I am not envious or impressed by you and your amazing life. You have a beautiful family. I love you and am so sorry you are going through this right now. I wish there was something I could do to help you, but I'll be thinking about you.

Annie O. said...

I never understood until after Aloria was born. Good luck.


It takes a lot of courage to pour your heart out the way you do. Thank you for that! I can relate to you in many ways. My Mam has suffered with depression all of her life. It's not an easy cross to bear, but with the gospel, the Lord can lift that burden. You have the love of many people and I know we'll all be there for you through the good and bad days :)

Daniel & Aubri said...

I agree with everything that Mandy said :) You really are an amazing person, Alexis. I truly believe that the toughest burdens are placed only upon those that can actually carry them. Ginger will love you no matter what. We all love you and hope that things get better for you really soon. I'm here if you need me!

kurt and ash said...

I love you Ali. xoxoxo

Sha Sha said...

Alexis! You are SO insightful! I really appreciate your post. I love that you are so honest. I have felt that way SO many times and you put it in words so perfectly. I don't know if you have read this book (Eat, Pray, Love), but it is seriously one of my all time favorites right now. I love some of her quotes---

"I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia)

I know how you feel (minus the motherhood part, and I'm sure that only multiplies the feeling) and I'm so sorry that you are feeling that way now. Hope you come visit soon! We miss & love you!

La said...

you are so not alone.

today i was so crazed with anxiety i actually threw up. i felt better after that though!

such a good post cause it is so honest. most people like to pretend everything is always perfect. granted those are the people i can't stand to be around. so maybe that is why i like you!

Sarah said...

Hang in there. You're such a beautiful person!

Corynn said...

I love you Ali. You know I'm here no matter what.

Keri O. said...

I’m glad you shared your feelings with this one, I’m not one to give I won’t..I just like to listen..I lived with my sister who suffered from depression also she was bi polar..and I know it’s tough! Being a mom is also very hard, if you can do are capable of handling anything..just as you are handing this..I’m here for ya =)

Whitney R said...

I love you, Ali. It's such an eye opening thing to "get in the mind" if you will, of someone who goes through this. I stand here wishing there were something I could do, anything, that could take it away. Just know there are a lot of us here who worry and care.

thank you for your words. It helps me understand a little better.

Jessica said...

oh Ali.. you know i feel your pain!!! Why dont you call me and talk it out? No one ever understands where i'm coming from so maybe we could help each other? me anytime! I'm not kidding when i say i know EXACTLY how you feel. i cant stress it enough. HOWEVER!!! i dont have a baby to go along with it but i can help you out whenever you need it. You know me and Eric arent ever busy! xoxooxoxox

andrea. said...

i wish i had something amazing to say but all i really have is that i TOTALLY get it. please let me know if there is ever anything you need.

you are such a great person and i love and adore you!!