Wednesday, June 3, 2009

A letter to my 3 month old dollface


Dear Ginger,

You're 3 months old today! 3. Months. Old. You are so much a part of me, the fact that it's only been three months is beyond comprehension. I don't know where to start. I just know that if I don't tell you how these three months have been, I'll forget and later when you do something that warrants a lecture- I want us both to remember what we went through together. So I can use it against you. No I don't mean that. Yes, I do. But before I begin, let me say this, you are a good baby. Thank goodness.

The first two weeks were incredible. Which I hear is an anomaly. I was in absolute Heaven; I have never been happier and don't know if I'll reach that point again. It was mostly because you were so sweet and angelic and I think someone slipped something into the gallons of diet coke I was drinking. Where is that someone now? By the way, I switched to caffeine free diet coke in hopes that you'd sleep better. You're welcome. Those two weeks I was so possessive of you. Your dad would want to hold you and I would begrudgingly hand you over and look at him like I was doing him a favor. I remember once being at Grammy's house (which by the way if we are around Grammy and Popi and your aunties- I don't see you for hours because you are being passed around and obsessed over). Now, that warms my heart, but at the time I remember having a full on anxiety attack. I wanted you in my arms so bad I literally was struggling to breathe. Your Dad was sitting next to me talking me through it. When we left, I cried and I could see the utter confusion in Daddy's eyes. But it was just so overwhelming. You were mine. I pushed you out of me. My blood was yours, same DNA blueprint, my boobs were your sole source of nourishment, you were alive because of me.

Then literally at the two week mark, the lack of sleep, the constant "giving of myself", the new emotions that were introduced the moment you looked into my eyes; all caught up with me. I was a walking zombie, unable to put my clothes on correctly (there were many a time I almost walked out the door with my shirt inside out), unable to form complete sentences or find the right words. For instance exterminator became terminator, wipes became "those wet things". I could go on and on with my verbal idiocy. You were waking up every few hours to be fed. And I never napped during the day, so the sleep deprivation, oh the deprivation! It makes you crazy. One night you woke up at 1 and didn't go back to sleep until 5. That was the night I punched your father in the back. He had a daddy slip up. I don't want to mislead you, although by the time you can read this you will already know- he is incredible and I am quite sure you will be a daddy's girl and adore him more than life.

Then at six weeks, we did what I thought I would never do. I switched you to formula and I did the thing I judged other parents for; we put your cradle in the bathroom, turned off the light and shut the door. And you know what, you slept all night long. All. Night. Long. You are quite the sleeper still; you sleep 12 hours a night and take 3 hour naps. What a gift. I am convinced Heavenly Father is aware of my emotional limitations and so he sent me a baby that loves sleep as much as I do.

And yet, still, motherhood is hard. Hard in a way that I could have never imagined. Sometimes I pace back and forth and you still cry and cry so I put you in your swing and shut the door. And then I cry. I cry and convince myself Im a terrible mother. Then I call Casey and he tries to convince me Im not a bad mom, I am a great mom. Then I call my mom, who attempts to do the same thing. And then I pray. I just wonder why my pacing is so limited before I break, I know moms that pace all day long and rock all night long, but I cant do it. But your Nana, I don't know what or how she does it but she can calm you down in seconds. At first it broke my heart that I couldn't do that for you, now I happily hand you over. So you definitely have your moments and I can attest your lungs are strong. But it always seems when I need it the most I see your angelic face and you smile that smile of yours that melts my heart and life is beautiful again. A Beautiful Mess.

You are cooing now and are so expressive, we ask you how your day was or how you slept and you try with all your might to have a conversation with us and we LOVE it! And your legs and arms they are so long and strong and they flail like crazy. One time you knocked me in the nose and I gently explained to you how much my nose cost and you haven't done it since. I am convinced you'll be an athlete. And I cant forget the stretching, we laugh every time, you stretch with everything you have. And when I kiss your delicious feet you curl your long toes around my top lip- which by the time your sixteen and reading this you'll probably think that's weird but I love it. You have been spending a lot of time with Grammy, I have never seen her so in love, She loves your feet too, Sometimes so much I think she'll eat you.

I hope you have your daddy's sweet disposition. I hope you are loving and kind and smart and strong . I hope so much for you but I'll save that for another letter.

For now, Ill just say this; my life will never be the same since you have entered into it. And I wouldn't ever want it to. And to quote Heather Armstrong, " By choosing to bring you into our family I have made an irreversible commitment, and the joy of the love I feel for you is as meaningful as it is because the loss of it would break my body in two." I love you Ginger more than I can even comprehend.



Thanks to Corrine for taking the picture and for course for my love Amber who worked her magic on the announcement.


Keri O. said...

Alexis..i'm at work..and you made me people will think something is wrong with me...this is amazing..I love it and when she is able to read it I know it will mean SO much to her...aww...

The Bells said...

Yep. I am at work and balling also. Glad I'm not the only one at least. How special for Ginger to have this. She has the best mom. (Um, in a few months can I borrow this and change the names for me and MY daughter? And by borrow I mean STEAL. haha j/k)

The Swan's said...

Seriously Alexis now I have to go to the gym all gooey and water in my eyes! jk i got to get the angry for the gym back! grr lol anyways that letter was too sweet and i hope you printed a copy for ginger she will appreciate it some day! my mom wrote me one and i was so greatful she did she is that much more special to me as you are to Ginger.=)

amber belmonte. said...

so beautiful ali! i'm so glad you're doing this! you are incredible!

Daniel & Aubri said...

That was the BEST ever to read! I love it and Ginger will for sure. You seriously describe motherhood so perfectly, I literally felt like I was reading about myself when you described the first 2 weeks and the whole sleep deprevation. You are an amazing mother and Ginger is lucky to have you!!

Oh and I LOVE the birth announcement! That font is beautiful!!

Kate, Mike and Ellie said...

You are amazing! Let me tell you that the only reason I keep my dogs around are because they keep my 3yo occupied and it gives me some me-time. There I said it. [we all do things we swore we would never do!]

Life as Ashley said...

Great idea Ali.

Ginger will CHERISH this one day.

Thanks for sharing it with all of us too.

P.S. The nose part cracked me up. You are so funny!

Whitney R said...

This is beautiful Ali. I think I'll take this (not the exact letter) and write my little girl as she grows up. I journal now about the pregnancy and feelings, but I don't talk TO her. It feels weird right now... I hope that will go away. She has just barely become a she and I'm still getting used to that. I can't even call her by the name we want to name her yet... is that weird? I'm hoping as I feel her more and she get's bigger I can do it. But oh, how I adore her already. I'm crying! So emotional.

I think you are a wonderful mother and you are perfect for her just as she is perfect for you. There is a reason she was sent to you, not just for you, but for her. Don't forget that. You are irreplaceable to her. I'm going to remember the cradle in the bathroom thing. :) Great idea.

Luke, Nicole, and Brighten said...

Seriously you are so awesome to put your feelings into words. You will never forget the feelings you are feeling will just be harder to put them into words later, beautiful. Just wait until she calls you "mama". Life is just the best as a mom. Your letter gives me a wave of emotions, Am I ready to go through this again? After reading your letter it helps remind me that I am:)
Love you forever!

Lindzie said...

I love your annoucement! So cute. Cute letter too...made me tear up a little!

andrea. said...

thanks for sharing this. ginger will love having this when she is older. you are such a great mom! really!!

hollyhs said...

Hi Ali. Holly Hoffman here. We went to high school together... don't know if you remember me. Anyways, I was blog surfing and found you a while back. I have SO enjoyed reading your thoughts and I figured I better say hi. :) I love how open and honest you are. I struggle with some of the same things that you do, and I love knowing that I'm not the only one! :) ha ha. And you're so clever. Anyways, good luck adjusting to motherhood. It can be hard, but I know you are great at it! Ginger is soooo beautiful! And i love that you call her G. And how cute are you?! :) Anyways, I'm totally not a stalker I promise. ha ha. And sorry for the novel. Just wanted to make myself known. I have a blog too, but it's private. Email me if you want and i'll invite you. bye!

oh, great letter BTW!!!

Lenaya and Xiana said...

This is beautiful and you are a great mom!!! I can tell :)