Currently

where.  in my bed
eating.  sausalitos
feeling.  angry, guilty for the anger, and oddly inspired
thinking.  I shouldnt eat cookies in bed. I hate crumbs.
listening to.   Ryan fontana // Sweetest Girl and Ride Wit Me mashup
confession.   I know all the lyrics to Nelly's Country Grammer album.
memory.   2001, in Nikki's neon with my best friends, headed to soccer practice and singing along to Nelly.
best part of the day.  coming home from the bookstore, throwing my keys on the counter, feeling exhausted and Ginger sighs heavily, I turn and look at her, she has half moon eyes and a sweet smile. I smile back. She says "today was fun."
tempted to.   go get my babes out of their beds and bring them to mine, so we can snuggle. but I wont.
time right now.   1:58 am. crap.
Currently reading.   Understanding Exposure by Bryan Peterson and The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin
Tomorrow I will.   edit, organize, throw away stuff, blood work, run an errand Ive been putting off, build a lego castle with Ginger and blow whistles with Oliver. 


Loving these three links...





From march 2010 until february 2011 Mikko Kuorinki formed one new text on the wall of Kiasma museum every week.
Pretty rad. Entire Collection Here.


But seriously this collection of photos kills me. dead. deader then dead. self described as A trio collective from Soweto, portraying South Africa as they see it.
I see a different you is perfection.











Right?


I think I found both sites via Miss Moss


nighty night.

Reinventing

“and reinvent your life because you must;
it is your life and
its history
and the present
belong only to
you.”

- Charles Bukowski (via atomiclanterns)

hello new year

first off. my keyboard is all kinds of messed up,
so grammar mistakes are inevitable.
just in case that stuff bugs you.

Here's all the amazing things that happened in 2011.





and there you go.

But check it out. 
Casey and I, hanging out on new years,
and he only told me I was annoying once.
and I only thought he was a pain in the arse twice.

Progress!

second. I started this post 3 days ago.
third. you guys, im so irritated right now. 
My photoshop just up and quit in the middle of a picture i was editing
and i happen to be feeling highly ocd, so I dont even want to tell you the time I lost,
I know, I know. Save as I go. Im a ruhtard.
I dont say the f word, but let me tell you... My head says it. a lot.
right now its on repeat. 

Fourth...ps im going to stop counting now, dumb idea.
you wouldnt believe all the different levels of dramz going on right now.
Its so bananas, I dont even know where to start.
My dad was just recently commenting on our vida loca, 
and he says in regards to a decision he and my mom made...
"We just gotta stay committed... before one of us gets committed."
HA! 

I have so much frustration going on right now. 
I mean, things sucked and then the Suck Fairy came and then vomitted suck on
the pre-existing suckiness and  Im like what the fuuuuuh?

Meanwhile my brother's in town and is fresh off of some sort of vision on a mountaintop.

No, really...he's riding this spiritual wavelength I cant even comprehend...
But he's got me all figured out.
something about my vibrations being off.and my heart needs to be in my head and 
well basically, not be so consumed in everyone else's webs of woe and focus on my own journey.
So he's all zen (except  when it comes to my laptop being an ahole- when he's on it, then he 
looks  close to punching it.)
Last night we were talking about walking on eggshells around certain people or at certain times...
and how its really freaking annoying,
and he's all, "ya, but you gotta respect the eggshells"
respect the eggshells? what the? I think id rather run them over with a bull dozer
and then set them on fire.
My mom says, "ya, but what about the chicken?"
And my brother gave her that half courtesy smile.
(That chicken question seems ten times funnier today as I write it.)
And I added some small retort.
which he almost responded to; had my eggshells not gotten in the way.

Back to me not getting so involved in others crap, when Ive got my own.
He's right, I have to let that go.
For crying out loud, I went to a year of therapy for this very thing,
And made great strides towards sanity.
But Im so programmed to try to come to the rescue.
It's not my fault.
My mom named me Alexis.
literal translation: defender.
I'm screwed. I wonder what name stands for "I dont give a crap", that's 
what I'd like to be called. 
It'd be awesome if I really did help fix things,
but I inevitably make it worst.
every.single.time.

You know what i'd really like to do? I just want to go ape-shiz. Like, scream and cry and tell everyone how
I really feel; good and bad. I want to throw stuff. Like a windex bottle.
*first thing I ever threw at Casey*
**and we wonder why were having problems**
***BUT let it be known, Im like three years clean when it comes to throwing crap out of anger***
Do I get a pin or chip for that? 
Speaking of AA... 
I'd also like to find an inconvenient vice to get addicted so I can just stop feeling. stop caring.
and then go to sleep for a week.
But freak, I've got almost 29 years of life lived (yikes),
and I know better. 
Which means,
The more I try to handle this with integrity, the better.
 I understand there's no easy fix.  Its going to take a lot of work to put
back together all the pieces that fell apart.

really the biggest thing keeping me going...
are these two.













In fact with them around, theres no other option but to keep on keepin on.
I dont want to just survive this,
I want to come out of this kickin butt in life.
I want to be the dopest phoenix they ever saw.
So if ever they find themselves in a similar place of trials and pain,
I can be an example of the goodness that comes from rising above it all.

Aside from my phoenixish aspirations,
I'm really loving photography these days.
Im working on a 20 interesting people project.
I just take ten shots in fifteen minutes.
and try to capture something real.

This is Patrick. We met up in front of Wendys.
I was buying a lens from him via craigslist.
He was such a nice guy.  
And, man he looked like he had the kind of life that
brings me back to reality.
Like he had a million stories to tell.
I was all, Do you mind if I take some pictures of you?
He was smoking a cigarette and was like "ME?" and kinda chuckled.
He kindly obliged, even if he thought it was random.
And we sat on the curb and started chattin away.
and the whole experience was 
well, it was pretty awesome.
Just that human connection.
With an unlikely person.
It kind of changed me.
Made me slow down. reminded me of the importance of how we interact with others.




Shout out to Craigslist Patrick. sending you good vibes.

Ill sign off with a "Bon courage" and dedicate this post to "this is"... whoever you are. 

The hard Post

This is the part where I tell you.


[dont read this, sing it in your head, tune: theme to the Fresh Prince]


Now this is a story all about how
My life got flipped-turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there
And tell you Casey and I have been separated for 6 months.


like ripping off a band-aid.


You know, our parents generation never had to wonder about when, how or if they'd
announce something like this via facebook/blog/twitter etc.


I just felt like I should put it out there because
this blog has always been a place where I can share/document my life.
and my life is not what it was.
And my writing just started to feel inauthentic.
What's another way of saying "crap or get off the pot"?
because i want to use a prettier version of that phrase.
But really, all my vague posts about being stressed and overwhelmed
were starting to annoy me.
so I thought, either, stop doing personal posts or just get it out there.


So there you have it.


here are a few things I'll share:


...okay wait, deep breath...
still breathing.


these are just random pieces of information.
things I feel I can share.


I love Casey.
first and foremost, I love him and I want his happiness.
I dont know how the hell I ended up here.
Last night, we wanted to work things out.
tonight, I feel like a series of miracles need to occur for us to have a chance. 
two weeks ago, We were going to get a divorce.
Weve gone back and forth a few times.
In the past six months... I have not had one single day that felt normal.
the kids and I are living with my parents and have been since May.
Casey lives in  Pahrump. 
I would do anything to have a redo at this marriage.
But to sum it up.
Its awful. just so incredibly awful. I dont know how else to put it.




So thats that. 
I probably should have written a more eloquent post.
But this territory is so unfamiliar.


So I ask for prayers on behalf of my family.


xoxo

Willow

Gratiphoto

Get it?


DayLouBiLou
NIGHTTIME







Things havent been easy lately.
Im under a stupid amount of stress.
It's starting to affect me more then I'd like to admit.
I'm super low on patience.
I'm sensitive.
And I hate to admit this.
Ugh. Er.
Sometimes Im just plain mean.
Which makes me want to cry just thinking of it.
Again, Im sensitive.
But I really dont want to be that "girl", and I certainly dont want to be that wife, mom, daughter, sister etc.
Im trying though. Lord knows I am.


Remember the first time you were pregnant?
Because I am assuming anyone reading this is female and has two or more kids?
Rephrase; The first time I was pregnant, I thought everyone in the world should
Jump up and down with joy, and give me sympathy... lots of sympathy, and pretty much treat me
like I was Royalty.
I mean, I. Was. Growing. A. Child. Inside. Of. Me.
I wanted strangers to high five me as we crossed paths and say something like,
" You Go Girl! Way to be a vessel for a soul. A soul that may be the next President of the United States,
You are terrific! , May I get you anything? Boba tea, perhaps? A Margherita Pizza, Sausalito cookies??
And Id be all, oh you are so kind to offer... yes. All of the above please, Oh and tums too please"
But life just went on as usual.


I feel a similar way when you are going through a difficult time in your life.
Like I am the only one who should be jaded from life.

Everyone one else should put on the kid gloves and handle me.
But make sure they are the "invisible kid gloves" so I dont feel pathetic.

A few days ago someone pointed out "I wasnt the only person in the world who was stressed."
And I was all, "SayWhaaaaaaaaaat?"
and then I put them on my Crap  Gratitude list.
Because Now I know... Im not the only one. This whole time I thought the guests on Dr. Phil and Suze Orman
were actors acting like they had problems.
Im such an idiot.
Well even if there are other "stressed outters" out there
I still want special treatment. I still want high fives in the street... "you go girl! You washed your hair... AND blow dried it?!"
"You kept your cool when your toddler, cried, whined and begged for three hours straight because she "wanted a barn" (true story}, heres a gift certificate for a massage. 


Random praise a some more slack- It would just make these life events easier.


Anyway, this particular day was rough for Ginger and I.
She has been...
how should I put this? 
Challenging.
Difficult.
Hellacious. Let's just be honest.


I love her.
But freak, somedays...


So her terrible twoness and my lack of patience is not a good combination.
Its not always bad. Somedays are amazing with her. Sometimes all she needs is a timeout.
Sometimes all I need is a timeout.


Anyway that evening she wasnt going to sleep.
And I was so exhausted from trying to come up with effective parenting solutions.
So at midnight, I surrendered and looked at her and said, "Do you want some pumpkin pie?"
Her smile and halfmoon eyes said it all. 
So the two of us, in our jammies, hopped down the stairs holding hands.
I grabbed a fork and we sat ourselves on the counter and ate us some pie.


Followed by some good ol shut eye.


Abd you know what, Ginger totally high fived me!


I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR SIMPLE PLEASURES... LIKE EATING PIE IN YOUR JAMMIES WITH YOUR DAUGHTER. AND HIGH FIVES FOR CREDIT.

Smiles, Light, and Movement

Because I excelled at the other one.
I decided another photography challenge was in order.
After all, last time-

I think I made it up to day 7... pretty awesome.

But this one is different.

Its a gratitude photo challenge.

I love when I see other peoples gratitude posts on FB

or their blog or whatever.

It reminds me to count my blessings.

They say being grateful is one the most tried and true ways 

to be happy. 

In that case...

I AM SOOOOOOO GRATEFUL. OMG IM GRATEFUL.

IM CRAZY GRATEFUL! IM SO SUPER GRATEFUL I MIGHT DIE WHILE TYPING THIS!!

DO YOU HEAR ME UNIVERSE? IM GRATEFUL!

SEND FORTH THE HAPPY FAIRIES UNTO ME!

I think its working already you guys.

So heres the challenge:

And here are my rules.

Did you know you could make your own?

You can. In the immortal words of my brother 

(and Im sure many other brothers)

"It's a free country".

When we were kids

He used to put his foot like 2 mm from my face.

So annoying. 

And I'd be all, "Move your foot you frickin tard!"

And then he'd be like, " Its a free country".

Im pretty sure Thomas Jefferson and all his delegates, were sittin around in

Independence Hall and He was all, "You guys... We have got to get this on paper! 

We need some sort of universally accepted document that ensures my rights as a human being,

Like if I wanna put my foot in JMad's face, then he cant just shoot me because its obnoxious.

What do you think of the term "Free Country?" The wigged men are like, hmm good idea... meanwhile

James Madison is rolling his eyes in the background but agrees because hes got plans of his own to annoy the hell out of Jefferson later.

What were we talking about?

Oh right, Im changing the rules.

Y'all... I AM GRATEFUL to make my own rules considering photo challenges

discovered on pinterest. 

Anyway. I have the photography fire burning in my soul, coating my bones, circulating

my low blood count.

Yes. Its that serious.

I also want a creative way to express what I am grateful for.
So this is perfect.

Okay. the gratitude challenge rules. drumroll please.

(Im so sure youre doing a drumroll in your pjs right now)

And I AM GRATEFUL. for your fingers drumming or the sound you are making in your head.

HEAR THAT HAPPY  FAIRIES?? Another statement of gratitude.

Rule 1. I can do day 22 on day 6 if I want to. 

Its my challenge, I can do it non-sequentially if I want to.

Rule 2. Feel the spirit of the challenge... if I see something I am grateful for. 

Bust out the Canon or iphone- its a free country.

Rule 3. Have fun. If it feels like a pain in the butt. Dont bother at the moment.

Rule 4. Post when you can what you can.

Rule 5. any rules may be broken or altered at any time.

WHEW. Now this is my kind of challenge.

You know what... while im on this "Im an adult &  "can change the rules" kick.

Let's lose the word challenge.

Actually, let's just give it a better name...

From hereon forth it shall be called the 

"Unspecified Number of Days of Public Acknowledgement of Gratitude. A Super Fun Photo Project That I Can Do if it Brings Me Joy."

Okay, here are some Grateful Pictures.

Day LaLaLa: SMILE

Be still my heart. His smile does some sort of magic on me. 

I Am SO GRATEFUL for OLIVER'S SMILE.

Day LaDiDa: LIGHT

Oh Sunshine... on the beach...a bestie Miss Seana...drinking in the rays while her babe Miss Charlotte...sleeps peacefully. 
Que Sheryl Crow...  I, Im gonna soak up the sun. Im gonna tell everyone to lighten up.

I Am SO GRATEFUL for the Light of the Sun and the Light of Good Friends.

Day FaLaLaLa: MOVEMENT



Oh where to begin. This is me and my brother James. I just met him. Isnt that crazy?
Here we are... ballet on the beach- no biggie. 
James, his girlfriend- Jesse, my brother Ray and I played on the beach for hours.
Jesse had never seen the ocean- which blew my mind. So I was all, get in my car! were going on a road trip!

We went straight here and spent four hours on that beach.
And you know what? I can truly say these were with the exception of my wedding day and the births of my children...
they were the best hours of my life. 
You cant tell from this photo but James is quiet, reserved, serious. He is kind. So kind. With a smart sense of humor that is more for him than anyone else... like its not on display.
And he tries hard not to laugh. Like when I say to Ginger... Dont you dare smile...! and the corners of her cheeks start to move up and she cant decide whether or not to give in or fight it.
So James gets this smirk and its all I can do to not start treating him like my toddler and tickle him until he laughs.
Which would be weird. To be a 22 with an older sister you just met 48 hours prior 
start to tickle you. 
 The way all of  us were that day, free, peaceful but full of life... It was God Given. 
Its so difficult to explain but I know that to be true. After this day we all had a pretty rough time dealing with all the extras that come along. I havent talked to James... not intentionally... And Ray and I had a bit of a falling out, that broke my heart. 

But... We'll always have paris.

Better yet, Well always have Zuma Beach.

I Am SO GRATEFUL for My BROTHER JAMES who Was Willing to dance with me and My BROTHER RAY who I had never seen giggle and Smile so much in all my life. I AM Most definitely GRATEFUL for the way we put aside all the confusion of the past and ALLOWED OURSELVES TO BE FREE.
Free to dance, Free to look dumb. Free to be silly. 

There you go friends... words, pictures and things you didnt know about me.

Fancy a Funny?

I know I've already done a random post this morning,
but I cant resist another.


I dont know why I felt the need to say that...
like Im breaking some blogging commandment.
dumb.


Anyway, I found the Fresh Prince link and this link 
via A Cup of Jo
Her friday links are always great.


This is 25 pictures taken at exactly the right time
They all made smile and laugh in my head...
but this one was the winner for me...





Laughed out loud, scared my dog, and Im still giggling.

The story of the Prince of Bel Air

jimmy fallon||as neil young||as will smith

just laugh, even if it is dumb.

Whenever I start to feel sad...
I get awesome...
no thats not how it goes- is it?
whatever that doogie howser quote is.
Is that even how you spell Doogie's last name?
And that's the wrong show reference.


Raise your hand if you have followed anything you just read.
Okay, two of you. 


Let me start over...
Whenever I start to feel sad, 
I go here http://juliasegal.tumblr.com 
It's the most reliable website on the internet 
in terms of finding stuff that makes me laugh or smile.


In the past five minutes,
this is what I found...


Numero uno





A scene from "Between two ferns" which is my fav.
Its a little show thing in which 
Zach Galafanaskjhdkjfbbvdhkis interviews celebrities on funny or die. 
And I die- it's so funny. As you can see from above.


dos





This isnt so super funny, but it made me smile.


thres. tres. three





AHAHAHAHA. That's just funny.


four. (counting in spanish was a dumb idea)





Big Smile. I adore him. 


Finally Fivero





HA! what the?? So many people have actually typed this question into google, 
it comes up second.
And why would you have to google that?
Because it happens a lot and youre starting to feel bad?
Or because you were crying and someone farted and you dont know 
whether or not to be mad at them.
Most likely because in a random conversation you said, "Its rude to fart when someones crying."
And your significant other replied, "No, its not."
And then you said, "Yes it is... google that shiz."


Truth be told... I did just google it.
I was wrong about all three scenerios.


Now tell me, you dont feel the least bit tempted to google it?