Friday, January 29, 2010

Let there be Light

I didn't take a stupid before picture.
I didn't take a stupid before picture.
I didn't take a stupid before picture.

Still banging my head against the wall.
When we first saw this house
I really had to do my best to see it as a blank canvas.
The bones of this home are so wonderful.
It's the perfect size, and such a great use of space.
But when I first walked in I was a little overwhelmed.

yuck

Where in the New Jersey Hell am I?
I'm pretty sure the owner is a direct relative of The Situation.

See the three glasses of wine at the bottom of the picture...
She never did offer us a glass.
I'm pretty sure she sat down at that table after we left
and enjoyed herself a wonderful vino afternoon.

I digress.

Walking into this home you get slapped in the face with a brass chandelier.
I am so OCD and get really stuck on such a blemish.
My sincerest apologies to all of you brass chandelier fans out there.
but really it's one of the worst things to happen to home decor since
professional athletes began making the big bucks.
So as Snookie's mom is showing us the laundry room
I am picturing me taking a hammer to that sucker
over and over again.
and over
again.
and again and again and again.

When we moved in Casey took it down right away for fear
that if my period hit the same time as a full moon I might turn
into a werewolf and he'd go blind from a wayward glass shard striking him in the eye
as I get my revenge on brass.

Now I see why my English papers where always peppered
with red "RUN ON SENTENCE!!!" marks.
That's only a taste of the way my mind operates on a full time basis.

anyway. hole in the ceiling left over from removed chandelier prior to finding a replacement.
Caught up?
Okay so I'm on the hunt for an affordable fixture.
Finally I find myself on Maryland Parkway a street I avoid like the plague
when I see what I've been dreaming about.
A discount lighting store.
There I spend a good two hours studying every fixture searching for a large inexpensive
replacement I can perform surgery on.
Ever since I saw Pamela Anderson's Malibu beach house on cribs
I have been obsessed with having a shabby chic chandelier.
Don't judge. Her personal style in fashion surprisingly has no reflection
on her design abilities.

As I mentioned before...
I did NOT take a stupid before picture.
So please if you will imagine...
a 6 arm fixture.
thrown up on
after eating nothing but peas for a week.
Now hang pears from it.
Okay, got a mental picture?
Now take a can of white spray paint to it.
Throw some bling on it.
And spend five months agonizing how you re going to make over these shades...

IMG_1894

I'm melting! I'm meeeeeeeeelting!
They. are. disgusting.
I'm really not this snobby about such insignificant things.
Perhaps five months of a white blob smacking me in the face
on a daily basis has

made my personality sterile.
At least I got a before picture of these nasty things.
Behold the after...

chandelier shade after

chand

What do you think? Is it too crafty?
Can you picture yourself making them every fourth Wednesday
night at relief society?
Don't lie.
I'm pretty satisfied with the final product
but then again anyone would be after agonizing over the
lunar moon calendar for five months.

7 comments:

Victoria Elder said...

I think they look fabulous! Seriously looks good how fun, and no i can't imagine making them on relief society nights,hahah maybe its cause I dont go so I wouldnt know. I think very cute though. Have i told you l love your writing it cracks me up. I think that house was definately owned by the situations relative....whats with all the italian people taking over reality tv jersey shore & frank the entertainer show....hmm interesting anyways!

Life as Ashley said...

Ali. You kill me.

I was giggling all through your post. Your thought processes are so funny! Thanks for sharing. :) No seriously. Now I know I'm not the only one who thinks like that. Except, mine aren't always as humorous (if my period aligned with a full moon. still laughing).

And run on sentences are my best friend. How else am I supposed to express everything running through my mind? It's called stream-of-consciousness people. Learn it. Love it.

The whole chandelier is fabulous! So impressed! I would have never believed you did those lamp shades yourself. They look so PERFECTLY done.

Kudos to you for being able to imagine it all. I get overwhelmed trying to "see" something that's not there. I probably would have never been able to take it from Point A (pukey-pea-green-with-pears) to Point B (Seriously Shabby Chic!).

Alexis Treese said...

ATTN: Victoria's prejudice against guidos! That's so messed up of you. Thank you for Ze complimEEEnt (swiss accent, naturally). Cant Vait to Ze yuuu Vhn Yee come to Vegas. Veeeeegaz?

Thank you Ashley! If it makes you feel better- its very hard for me to fully develop the full vision. I literally was AT the fabric store from 1:30 to 5:30. I wanted to throw up when I left because I was so ashamed I wasted four hours of my life looking at every fabric swatch and trim. "Stream of Consciousness! " exactly!! that sounds so much smarter then diarrhea of the mouth.

Corynn said...

Looks so good. Ashley's right each shade is perfect.

Lindzie said...

Yuck...and I HATE brass fixtures....ohmygosh. The chandelier is fab! You really have a talent, girl! :)

Daniel & Aubri said...

That is AWESOME!!! I seriously love it!

hollyhs said...

it's gorg! great job!!! and i love the way you write. yay for run on sentences! :)