the truth hurts

A well known fact about me in my close circle of friends
as well as some acquaintances
since I am pretty much an open book...
is that I get to live with this awesome thing called
depression and anxiety.

It comes and visits randomly without notice or thought
and I am stuck with dealing with this un-welcomed guest
who overstays his welcome and comes too often.

The worst part of it is (well it all sucks) but a tough part of it is
that people who have never been through it have a hard time understanding or empathizing
with the whole situation.
You hear things like its all in your head or just make up your mind to be happy
and things like that.

Right now its a hole in my stomach that wont go away.
Its going to bed afraid of the next day.
Its making simple things like leaving the house seem like the hardest thing in the world.
Its having your dog come and cuddle with you because he sees you crying.
Its begging your husband to not go work on his car because you dont want to be alone with
your thoughts.
Its the alter ego (that happy go lucky person) that I have to pull out of me during social time.
and what makes it a million times worst is that poor Ginger is exposed to this
and so the pressure to recuperate multiplies and the anxiety rises.
Because I swear I do not want to be that mom.
Where it's like, "Ugh mom's crying again."

Quite honestly, Im not looking for pity by writing this,
or advice- like just make sure you leave the house everyday
Believe me, I've studied all things to do with the disease.
And I've tried 90% of the suggestions.
I just had to say it to someone.
Even if its my close friends that follow this
or that complete stranger in Australia who reads my blog.
So to all you that have never suffered depression, I envy you,
But if you can relate in any way, my sincere apologies.

Out of the wreck, I will rise.

Blessing

May 3rd we had Ginger blessed.
It was wonderful,
Except for the little boy who holds the microphone
didn't hold it high enough
so I was straining to hear what Casey was saying.
But he took notes the night before so I was able to see what he said.
But Casey did a great job nonetheless.
Not to mention it will be pretty cool for G to see the notes from her blessing.

Here are some pictures of our family.
Im so happy for Ginger to be surrounded with tons of love and family and friends.
I cant wait to see what the years bring us.
But can we skip the teenage years, please?






I love this picture. Ginger would not cooperate for the life of her.
She was pissed, therefore I was pissed.
Casey wanted me to stand in the middle of this wall so he could set up the timer and get the measurements right or whatever.
Please do not be jealous of my modeling skills, the face, the posture, the pissiness.
Maybe I shouldn't use that word since were talking about blessings and such.
But to thine own self be true.
And mine own self needs a little work.










And just like that... Im happy again. magic.

Were so grateful for Grandma and Grandpa Randall to come from Idaho and to Aaron and sweet pregnant Lindzi to drive from Salt Lake just for this, it means so much.
And also very grateful for Marsha for driving from California just for this, wish we got a picture.
And for all our family for being there.
So this accounts for all the pictures Im sharing, just to show our love to all our loved ones.

Overall I cant complain. It was a beautiful blessing which is all I can ask for
for my doll Ginger.

Ginger's first vacation

Last minute- a couple weeks ago- we decided to go visit Johnny and Marsha in California.
Good thing it was last minute
otherwise I would have thought of a million
different reasons why I shouldnt take my two month old on a road trip.
Possible meltdown in the car which would result in my very certain meltdown,
which would result in my husband hailing a cab home.
Possible blowout, bad sleep habits, non stop crying.
The list is endless.

I had a talk with Ginger prior to our visit because the truth is I really want Marsha
to get pregnant.
It went like this,
" Look Ginger, I really want to go through the joys and crap of motherhood with Marsha.
I have carried you for nine sucky months (lets be honest) gave up my pre-mama body and have gone through 2 months of
of every emotion you can imagine. I even gave up crack cocaine for you, Please sweet Ginger, just this one little favor, be a doll,
a perfect angel."
Not too much to ask your two month old baby.
I hope by now, I dont have to say Im kidding about that crack cocaine but just in case.
I asked her to be on her best behavior as to not convince Johnny that waiting 6
years for another baby is a wise choice.

I have to say, overall, I was impressed.
She still slept through the night.
But you can tell she was aware she was out of her element.
She still fussed a bit and I did spend most of the car ride in the back seat but nothing major.
Point is,
I'm sure after we left Johnny didnt run to Marsha and beg her to make a baby
but I dont think it was any more detrimental to his current
way of practical thinking. After school.

Im such a clueless mom in many areas.
Dont worry I cut myself slack, all you moms have been there.
And if you dont think you have, I have to believe you are either delusional or
one of those people...you know the type I'm talking about.

So anyway on to me being clueless,
I brought 40 diapers for two days.
I brought her swimsuit and had visions of her playing in the sand.
Im not embarrassed about the diapers
but seriously a two month old- who cant even hold her head up- playing in the sand.
I know, Im an idiot.

Instead she did this:

Luckily we had Aunt Marsha (who definitely has mama skills)
held her for a couple hours.
Yes, thats what I said... a couple hours. That's love.

But we still had time to layout...

I wish we could just up and move there.
Instead we just invade Johnny and Marsha's about once a month.
Maybe one day...

Three way kiss

This is what it's like when Casey comes home from work
and tries to give me a kiss hello...

Mary Tyler Mom

I decided to go with MaryTylerMom.com
which is funny because no one voted for that name.

But I did it for good reasons.
I really really wanted VivaLaBaby! Because its fun,
and I grew up in Vegas and it makes me think of Viva Las Vegas.

But...
Mary Tyler Mom was the only one that had both the blog name available
and a domain name available.
Plus Mary Tyler Moore (Moore my maiden name incidentally)
always made me smile when I watched her on Nick at Night.
And oddly enough there's a extremely special connection
to the Mary Tyler Moore show. So special I cannot tell.

So even though she wasn't a mom on the show... its still catchy.
Im hoping to have it up by the end of May. So for all you mamas,
future mama's, baby daddy's and everyone with mamas
(so pretty much the whole world)
I hope you check it out when it's up and running.

blog name

I really wanted baby mama drama, but some chick already took it.
What really makes me mad is she had only 3 posts, 3 years ago and
it literally is explaining all her boyfriends baby mama drama.
So as I said I was mad but I also laughed a little...some peoples lives...
and I think I got drama.

So here are some ideas
Mary Tyler Mom
SleepEatPoop
VivaLaBaby

What do you think?