Reinventing

“and reinvent your life because you must;
it is your life and
its history
and the present
belong only to
you.”

- Charles Bukowski (via atomiclanterns)

hello new year

first off. my keyboard is all kinds of messed up,
so grammar mistakes are inevitable.
just in case that stuff bugs you.

Here's all the amazing things that happened in 2011.





and there you go.

But check it out. 
Casey and I, hanging out on new years,
and he only told me I was annoying once.
and I only thought he was a pain in the arse twice.

Progress!

second. I started this post 3 days ago.
third. you guys, im so irritated right now. 
My photoshop just up and quit in the middle of a picture i was editing
and i happen to be feeling highly ocd, so I dont even want to tell you the time I lost,
I know, I know. Save as I go. Im a ruhtard.
I dont say the f word, but let me tell you... My head says it. a lot.
right now its on repeat. 

Fourth...ps im going to stop counting now, dumb idea.
you wouldnt believe all the different levels of dramz going on right now.
Its so bananas, I dont even know where to start.
My dad was just recently commenting on our vida loca, 
and he says in regards to a decision he and my mom made...
"We just gotta stay committed... before one of us gets committed."
HA! 

I have so much frustration going on right now. 
I mean, things sucked and then the Suck Fairy came and then vomitted suck on
the pre-existing suckiness and  Im like what the fuuuuuh?

Meanwhile my brother's in town and is fresh off of some sort of vision on a mountaintop.

No, really...he's riding this spiritual wavelength I cant even comprehend...
But he's got me all figured out.
something about my vibrations being off.and my heart needs to be in my head and 
well basically, not be so consumed in everyone else's webs of woe and focus on my own journey.
So he's all zen (except  when it comes to my laptop being an ahole- when he's on it, then he 
looks  close to punching it.)
Last night we were talking about walking on eggshells around certain people or at certain times...
and how its really freaking annoying,
and he's all, "ya, but you gotta respect the eggshells"
respect the eggshells? what the? I think id rather run them over with a bull dozer
and then set them on fire.
My mom says, "ya, but what about the chicken?"
And my brother gave her that half courtesy smile.
(That chicken question seems ten times funnier today as I write it.)
And I added some small retort.
which he almost responded to; had my eggshells not gotten in the way.

Back to me not getting so involved in others crap, when Ive got my own.
He's right, I have to let that go.
For crying out loud, I went to a year of therapy for this very thing,
And made great strides towards sanity.
But Im so programmed to try to come to the rescue.
It's not my fault.
My mom named me Alexis.
literal translation: defender.
I'm screwed. I wonder what name stands for "I dont give a crap", that's 
what I'd like to be called. 
It'd be awesome if I really did help fix things,
but I inevitably make it worst.
every.single.time.

You know what i'd really like to do? I just want to go ape-shiz. Like, scream and cry and tell everyone how
I really feel; good and bad. I want to throw stuff. Like a windex bottle.
*first thing I ever threw at Casey*
**and we wonder why were having problems**
***BUT let it be known, Im like three years clean when it comes to throwing crap out of anger***
Do I get a pin or chip for that? 
Speaking of AA... 
I'd also like to find an inconvenient vice to get addicted so I can just stop feeling. stop caring.
and then go to sleep for a week.
But freak, I've got almost 29 years of life lived (yikes),
and I know better. 
Which means,
The more I try to handle this with integrity, the better.
 I understand there's no easy fix.  Its going to take a lot of work to put
back together all the pieces that fell apart.

really the biggest thing keeping me going...
are these two.













In fact with them around, theres no other option but to keep on keepin on.
I dont want to just survive this,
I want to come out of this kickin butt in life.
I want to be the dopest phoenix they ever saw.
So if ever they find themselves in a similar place of trials and pain,
I can be an example of the goodness that comes from rising above it all.

Aside from my phoenixish aspirations,
I'm really loving photography these days.
Im working on a 20 interesting people project.
I just take ten shots in fifteen minutes.
and try to capture something real.

This is Patrick. We met up in front of Wendys.
I was buying a lens from him via craigslist.
He was such a nice guy.  
And, man he looked like he had the kind of life that
brings me back to reality.
Like he had a million stories to tell.
I was all, Do you mind if I take some pictures of you?
He was smoking a cigarette and was like "ME?" and kinda chuckled.
He kindly obliged, even if he thought it was random.
And we sat on the curb and started chattin away.
and the whole experience was 
well, it was pretty awesome.
Just that human connection.
With an unlikely person.
It kind of changed me.
Made me slow down. reminded me of the importance of how we interact with others.




Shout out to Craigslist Patrick. sending you good vibes.

Ill sign off with a "Bon courage" and dedicate this post to "this is"... whoever you are.